Miss ConEdDuality
by numbuh0051
Summary: There's a beauty pageant being held at Peach Creek Jr. High, and the prizes are ones the Eds can't resist.Unfortunately, the girl they decide to enter is the nefarious Marie Kanker!Can the Eds turn her into a dream girl?Or see their plans go up in smoke?
1. Where the Jawbreakers Flow

"One, two! Come on dorks, harder!!!"

Kevin's voice rang out and pierced the morning air with its sharpness. Ed, Edd, and Eddy were doing what Peach Creek Jr. High called callisthenic exercises. The idea was that when children exercise before their studies, it caused their blood to flow, woke them up, and, therefore, made them perform better at school.

Whatever they chose to call it, Eddy still thought of it as stupid. He was tired, and although he had no choice in going to school, his mother would have it in for him if he didn't, he felt it ridiculous that they were forced to be submitted to further torture by use of early morning exercises. The worst thing about it was the fact that Kevin was left in charge of the boys and domineered over them with all the smugness he could hold in his ugly head.

While Eddy's feelings about the whole situation were dreary, Edd's, called Double-D by his chums, predicament was even more pitiful. He wasn't terribly strong and his arms felt like yarn every time he came down from a push-up. Of course, there was also the added torment that Marie Kanker was standing at the other side of the gym, observing him with affection and hooting at him whenever she got the chance.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time, Kevin finally hollered, "All right dorks! Get in the locker-room!"

Eddy appreciatively cantered towards the locker-room, followed by Ed, and, barely, Double-D.

"All right, boys, we need new ideas to get some cash," Eddy proclaimed, as soon as they were inside.

"Eeeep," Double-D gasped as he attempted to change his clothes.

"Gravy and buttered-toast," Ed replied, enthusiastically.

"Come on! We need some money!" Eddy snapped as they walked out.

"Eddy, wait!" Double-D cried, struggling with his shirt, which was stubbornly resisting his tugs.

"No can do, Sockhead. I gotta brainstorm," Eddy said, unsympathetically.

Double-D quickly pulled on his shirt some more and was finally able to yank it over his head. He was finished and dashed out the door after Eddy. While doing so, he nearly ran into Sarah who was walking with a book on her head.

"Oh, pardon me," Double-D pointed out, skillfully avoiding a collision by twisting around.

"Watch it!" Sarah growled.

Eddy looked at her and smirked.

"What the heck are you doing? Trying to shrink your head?" He asked.

Sarah's face turned red and an explosion seemed inevitable but just then Jimmy walked in front of her.

"Remember, Sarah, you have to keep your poise," He pointed out, fretfully.

Sarah remembered and calmly remarked, "No, Eddy, I'm practicing for the Miss Beautiful pageant. Jimmy's my coach and I gotta work on my posture."

After thinking for a little while, she added," And you're an idiot."

"What is the Miss Beautiful Pageant?" Double-D asked.

"Why it's a contest to see which girl is the most special," Jimmy exclaimed "All of the girls are entering, well, except for Marie Kanker. Look, here's the poster!"

The Eds read it, but for Eddy, the rest of the information went blank the moment his eyes landed on the 1st prize reward.

"One-hundred bucks?!" He hollered incredulously "And a fifty dollar gift certificate to the candy store?!"

"Too bad you're not girls!" Sarah said, smugly as she and Jimmy walked away.

Double-D turned towards Eddy and noticed a gleam entering his eyes.

"Eddy, might I remind you of the fiasco resulting from the last time we attempted to disguise ourselves as members of the female gender. I believe they would discover such fraud in the competition," Double-D pointed out.

"I wasn't thinking of _that_, Sockhead!" Eddy cried, feigning offense at the accusation "I was just thinking about that one girl who didn't enter, yet"

Double-D's eyes grew large and he protested, "Eddy, please consider the fact that she will want a payment for her services."

"Well, then, we'll just have to figure out something she really wants," Eddy pointed out, his greed blinding him to the perils of such a proposition.


	2. Sign, Sealed, DELIVER ME!

"A beauty pageant?" Marie asked.

"Um, yes, we have realized that you were the only girl who chose not to compete and so we or, rather, Eddy realized that this created the perfect opportunity to become your managers and enter you in this pageant. Of course, we will be willing to create a contract to make sure you will receive a good percentage of the prize," Double-D explained.

Eddy's face dropped and he was about to protest when Marie interrupted, "I don't want any money."

"Well, what _do_ you want?" Eddy asked, suspiciously.

Marie flung her arms around Double-D and said, "I want a date with my sweetheart! No running _and_ he has to stay for the kissin'!"

The horrified look on Double-D's face was intensified when Eddy replied, "Deal!"

"Eddy!!" Double-D cried as he glanced fearfully at her.

"Gravy!" Ed exclaimed gleefully.

"Pipe down, Sockhead," Eddy said heartlessly "Think of the jawbreakers we could get."

"I have and I do not think they amount to the worth of maintaining my sanity," Double-D exclaimed.

"We already got a deal," Marie said slyly "Eddy said so. Now, lemme see that contract!"

Eddy produced a small piece of paper and gave her a pen to sign it with. Marie snatched the pen up and quickly gave the contract her signature. She then put on some cherry-red lipstick on and punctuated the paper with a large kiss-print.

"There! Signed, sealed, delivered," She quipped and, yanking Double-D over to her, she added, "I'm yours!"

Double-D sighed and said, "Well, I suppose we must start to educate you about the proceedings and the expectations of this pageant. If you shall, please come to a meeting at my house after our educational pursuits."

"Okay, see ya there, Baby-cakes!" Marie replied as she darted off to gloat to her sisters.

Double-D's knees began to quiver and he cried out to Eddy, "Why? Oh, why? Eddy, of all the incidents which exhibit your greed and selfishness, this is your most heinous crime ever!"

"Double-D, you always tell me to think about the future," Eddy said, nonchalantly "Well, I think it's totally worth a few kisses to be rolling in jawbreakers for the rest of our lives!"

Double-D replied stubbornly, "If she had pursuing _your_ affection with this proposition I believe you would have replied negatively!"

"Ah, zip it, Sockhead!" Eddy countered "It's only gonna be for a little while. Now come on, we gotta make her….um……whatever ya call it."

"A woman who possesses poise, command of herself, and talent, and thereby becoming the personification of feminine achievement?"

"Yeah, whatever. What you said. How're we gonna learn to do that?"

"Well, gentlemen, I believe the enlightenment we seek on this particular subject may be located within the boundaries of the school library. Shall we?"

And so, the three boys walked along, more or less, for Ed was, at the moment, completely fascinated with a piece of fuzz that was floating down the hallway.

"Ha, ha, ha. Hello, fluffy," he said as he chased it "I want you to be my pet."

Eddy stared at him for a little bit and then said, "Ed, you're an idiot."


	3. Lessons in Ladyisms

True to Double-D's words, after their "educational pursuits", Ed, Edd, Eddy, and Marie sat in his living room, snacking on potato chips and trying to make out the information in their beauty reference books.

"Poise? What the heck is that?" Marie asked.

"Maybe it's a prize!" Eddy exclaimed greedily.

"Or gravy!" Ed cried enthusiastically as he licked his lips.

"Quite the opposite, gentlemen, I believe it has to do with your posture. Try standing up straight and placing your chin at a slight incline," Double-D replied as he read one of the books.

Marie did this and snapped, "I look stupid and feel stupid."

"Here," Double-D said as he placed a hard-cover book on her head. "This shall help you attain the proper posture."

"Ha!" Eddy laughed "Man, she looks weird! Kinda like you, Ed."

"Eddy, please! You're distracting her!" Double-D scolded "Continue, Marie."

Marie struggled to keep herself, and the book, balanced; but, when the book nearly fell, she jerked her head too roughly and ended up collapsing on the ground. She growled as she pulled herself up.

"Marie, do not fret. After all, the saying goes, 'Rome was not constructed in a mere twenty-four hours," Double-D said reassuringly.

"Whatever," she huffed "What else do I need to learn?"

For this, Double-D consulted another book oddly entitled, "Big Tips on Beauty for Beautiful Babes".

"Well, you need to either acquire or already possess a talent of some proportion," he replied.

"I rock at wrestling! 'Specially purple-nurples."

"Um, I do not believe that that is a talent befitting a person seeking entry in a beauty pageant. Do you have any other hobbies? Choreography? Advanced nanophysics?"

"Scamming? Taking cash?" Eddy chimed in.

"Sucking people's brains? Stealing their ears?" Ed added "Like in 'Attack of the Cafeteria Lunches from Turnip Planet Part 5 the Sequel'?"

"Shut up, Lumpy! I'm tryin' to think!" Eddy snapped.

Accordingly, Ed zipped up his mouth and giggled somewhat muffled.

"Marie, is there anything that you like to do?" Double-D asked.

Marie picked her ear for a little bit and replied, "Nope."

"Well then, we must commence in a trial-and-error process to narrow down what talents you might possess."

"Whatever," Eddy replied.

And so, the threesome began this trial-and-error process which mostly consisted of Double-D encouraging Marie, Ed trying to help (but, usually causing the demise of that particular test run), and Eddy sitting in the sun drinking a cup of punch. Among others, some of their experimental hobbies included playing violin (Marie was ordered by the other neighborhood kids to not come within a five mile radius of the instrument again), juggling (the oranges she was using hit Rolf's goats which caused him to steal the "pesky hard fruit which Rolf detests very much" and put an end to any future in this talent), and doing extreme tricks (Marie said that if she had to break her back flipping over another chair she was going to personally feed it to Eddy).

After the juggling incident, the other children began to take an interest in the Eds' goal of making a Kanker sister pageant material. They sat on Double-D's lawn and watched trial after trial and also made suggestions about what else to try. Rolf strongly suggested sausage speed stuffing ("A favorite in pageants in Rolf's homeland! Nana entered and she was faster than rutabaga fungus on a cow's hind foot!"). This was tried and declared too rancid smelling. Jimmy thought of cheerleading, but Marie was strongly opposed to it as it was too similar to the past extreme trick suggestion. Even Kevin decided to give the "dorks" advice and said that anyone who could do rad tricks on a bike would win. Marie tried this and was about to go off a crude looking ramp when she got an urge to chase Jimmy with the bike. She did so and succeeded in getting wails of horror from him and scoldings from Double-D.

"Marie! Honestly, cease and desist! We must concentrate!" He cried as he chased Marie, who was chasing Jimmy, who was running as fast as his legs could carry him.


	4. How Marie got her Groove on

At about six o'clock, all of the children, except for the Eds and Marie, started to leave.

Jonny yawned contentedly and said, "Gee, Plank, I don't think she has a chance."

Kevin smirked and shouted to them, "See ya later dorks! If you keep at it maybe you could enter her in a pig contest!"

He laughed and pulled away on his bike.

Rolf followed him and exclaimed, "Kev-IN! You insult Rolf's pigs very much! Rolf shall wring you like Nana's eyelids!"

Eddy clenched his teeth and whispered to Double-D, "Come on, Sockhead. You distract Kevin and I'll pop his tires."

"Honestly, Eddy, how can you be even _thinking_ of retribution at a time period such as this?" Double-D asked and then turning to Marie he said, "Marie, we have tried nearly every common _and_ extraordinary hobby know to mankind and still you have not found one which suits your taste!"

"I told you we should have seen if she was an escape-artist," Eddy grumbled.

"Well, Eddy, I apologize if I believe that constricting her with chains and tossing her into a shark tank is not only in bad taste but also unethical!!" Double-D cried, exasperated with all their failed activities.

"Gimme a break, Sockhead! It was better than that stupid idea you had!"

And back and forth they went, with Marie and Ed watching them exchange insults, on Eddy's part, and logical defenses, exclusively limited to Double-D. Marie rolled her eyes after a while and turned on the TV. When it started up, a singing competition was underway on the channel the TV was currently on. The person on the stage was barely croaking out the notes and words to the beautiful but melancholy music. Marie knew the sad song and hummed along. After awhile, the lyrics were very gently voiced on her lips and soon she was singing with the music resonantly.

Double-D and Eddy stopped their debate and stared at Marie, the girl who had no talents, in awe and it wasn't because her voice was so horrible it had stunned them. In fact, it was the exact opposite. It was deeply poignant and emotion richly laced her notes like a tapestry trimming. As she sang, both Double-D and Eddy very nearly felt like sobbing, for her voice was pulsating through their very souls and filling it with the tears and throbbing that had been experienced by many wounded hearts. Even Ed noticed her singing and was know gazing at her with watery eyes.

Finally, the last note left her lips like the last autumn leaf floats off its branch, sweetly but sadly. When she turned around, she noticed that all of the Eds were staring at her with large eyes.

"What?" she asked.

"Marie……your voice…..it's glorious," Double-D said with a quiver "It resonates like a fine harp. You sing like your words are tears shed for your loved one."

"Your singing's a total gold-mine!" Eddy shouted, his eyes nearly turning into dollar-bills.

"This has nothing to do with money, Eddy!" Double-D exclaimed passionately "Her voice heralds forth whatever sentiment she chooses to bestow upon her listeners. It can be used to produce happiness for those who possess troubled hearts."

"Uh, thanks," Marie said hesitantly, as she was unused to receiving compliments of any kind.

"You're quite welcome. If I do say so, I believe we have found your hidden talent," Double-D replied.

"It's like the opera maiden from the Glarkon Theater in 'Revenge of the Toes from Mars'!" Ed cried as he turned to her "Can you use it to control people's minds and make them build a tower of doom to grow fungus between their toes?"

Marie frowned in disgust and replied, "As if I would want to if I could!"

"Well, since we have conquered one part of the competition let's see if we can perfect it," Double-D exclaimed.

"Whaddaya mean, Sockhead? She's already perfect. Why rock the ship of success," Eddy countered as he grinned.

"What I _mean_ is, she still needs to possess showmanship, which is a quality that can easily be won," Double-D sighed.

"Boots for the opera maiden!" Ed cried as he placed two shoddy-looking, mismatched shoes in front of Marie and then pointed to his bare foot. "Ha, ha, ha. I want fungus toes, please!"

Eddy was about to give a wisecracking retort but then his eyes widened and he yelled, "Ed, you are a _genius_! What was I thinking?"

"What is it, Eddy?" Double-D asked.

"The first thing ya gotta do to make any dame foxy, is to give her new threads and a new look!"

Double-D gave him a half-lidded look and replied, "Oh, yes, Eddy! What _was_ I thinking! Who cares about the innate qualities! Who cares about the heart of the particular female! After all, in the end it's the clothes that matter!"

"Darn right."

"Oooh! Eddy, I was being sarcastic! There is more to this competition than simply dressing smartly. We also have to worry about...."

"Whatever, Sockhead, just close your yap and come on," Eddy interrupted as he grabbed Double-D's hand and dragged him along.

"Oh, Ed, I wonder where _this_ misadventure will take us," Double-D complained as he rubbed his head with his fingers.

"Through the teeth and over the gums!" Ed exclaimed as he dashed to catch up.

"I fear there may be some truth to that ignorant comment of yours."


	5. Attack of the Mad Barber

"Well, that should be it!" Eddy said as he sprayed a little more goop on Marie's hair. "Except for one more thing. Ed, get...me...the comb!"

"Yes, master," Ed giggled as he grabbed a rather garish looking hairpiece and handed it to him.

Eddy stuck it in her hair and looked at her thoughtfully.

"EEEDDD! MY MASTERPIECE IS FINISHED!!!!" Eddy shouted as he cackled and then added with a flourish "GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU THE NEW, IMPROVED, MARIE KANKER!!"

He spun the seat she was on around to show her off to Double-D and Ed.

"Oooohhhh!" Ed gasped.

"EEEEEEEEEEKK!" Double-D shrieked.

"What's the matter? Do you think she needs more hairspray?" Eddy asked as he grabbed a can of the stuff.

Double-D grabbed his hand to prevent him from making the effect irreversible.

"No, Eddy, the last thing she need is more of that. Look at her, for crying out loud!" he shouted as he swept his arm to point.

Marie's hair looked as though a rogue butcher had run into the room and made off with a good portion of her hair. What was left of it was badly smoothed down using a great amount of clearly inexpensive hair glop. The effect it left on her hair was metallic and nearly nonhuman.

Her face was another disaster in itself. A large clump of mascara on her left eye caused her top and bottom eyelashes to stick together which prevented her from opening it. The blush was heavily and crudely applied from the bottom of her eye to the tip of her jaw. And as for the eye shadow, it was the queerest lime-green color and lifted well above her eyebrows.

Ed's eyes glowed appreciatively and he said, "Who's that girl?! She looks so fine!"

Double-D rolled his eyes and replied,"'Fine' is hardly the word to describe the hurricane Eddy has left on her face, Ed. Horrible is more fitting. Or perhaps atrocious."

He walked over to Marie and tried to move a piece of hair away from her face but it stubbornly resisted and, in fact, didn't change its position at all.

"Sockhead, you gotta be kidding me!" Eddy cried in incredulous offense "She looks hot!"

"Yes, indeed. If you mean it looks like someone set fire to her face," Double-D sighed as he picked up the phone.

Marie listened to them and half-heartedly picked up a mirror to see herself. She put it down rather quickly, positively frightened by what she saw.

"Who are you calling?" Eddy asked Double-D.

"Someone who I believe will be able to amend this calamity," he replied.


	6. Morning and a Makeover

"Wow, dudes, what happened to her? I can fix but any more hairspray and she would've been a goner," Nazz said as she gingerly handled Marie's massacred hairdo.

It was the next day and the quartet of frazzled children had made their way to Nazz's house. Now that they were there, three of them stared at her in silent admiration while the other one glared at them in annoyance.

"Um, so y-y-y-y-y-y-you can d-d-d-d-d-d-do it for u-u-u-u-u-us?" Double-D stuttered out.

"Of course I can. But you guys have to go, this is kinda girl-time," Nazz said, flashing a smile at them.

The boys smiled and sweated and were, eventually, scooted out of the house.

Nazz laughed as she watched them go.

"Those Eds are cute, huh?" she giggled.

Marie's face turned red and she dove for her.

"Listen, you little blonde bimbo," She snarled as she grabbed Nazz's hair "You keep your greedy sticky paws to yourself and away from my baby! He's mine and you're not going to steal him from me!"

Nazz looked at her, scared, and choked out, "Sure, dude. Um…why don't you sit down here and I'll get my beauty supplies."

She more or less dashed to her room, thankful to get away from the furious girl in the living room.

Marie checked out her nails and shouted, "Heeeellooooo, hurry up here, Chica! I don't have all day!"

Nazz rushed in and replied, "Well, I can't really run_ that_ fast, dude. My legs are too short."

Marie looked at her and said, "You're telling _me_? They look kinda like fat ham hocks."

Nazz's mouth dropped open at this insult and she said, quietly, "They're not _that_ fat, Marie."

"Believe it or not, Toots, they are. And your face looks like a warthog, too."

Nazz looked even more shocked at this jab and after a moment of silence she slammed down her hairdryer dangerously close to Marie's fingernails.

"Hey, what gives?" she snapped as she yanked her hand away.

Nazz grabbed her and replied venomously, "I'm doing this for those dudes and you are going to sit down. Shut up. And let me fix your do."

Marie gulped and nodded.

Nazz brightened up instantaneously and said, "Okay that's great! Now first, I'm gonna have to wash this stuff off your hair."

So saying, she softened the clump on Marie's head with a little soap and water. Then she set to work scrubbing the alien substance off her tresses.

"Hey, Whaddaya doin?!" Marie protested.

"Dude, I'm trying to make you look human. Hold still," Nazz replied as she took the comb and started to work off some of the gunk with it.

Marie yawned and started to talk.

"Yeah, well, I'm only in this 'cause Eddy promised me a date with Double-D. I think a stupid pageant is a lot like Mom's bunions. There's too many and nobody who's smart would enter in them."

Nazz made a face and replied, "They're not all that bad, Marie. I think it's a wonderful feeling when you go up there and everyone looks up to you!"

She sighed happily as she forced the comb through another bundle of Marie's hair.

Marie looked at her and pointed out, "Because you're all beauty and charm and nothing real is in you? Puh-leeze. If you really want to see something, you should watch the Annual Trailer Park Trump-a-thon!"

"What happens then?"

"A bunch of chicks compete to see who's the toughest and strongest! They have fender bending with your teeth, weight lifting, trailer boxing, and my favorite, bashing rocks and breakin' them over your head!"

"Oh, that sounds.....nice."

"Yeah, tell me about it! The girl who wins is crowned "Trailer Empress" and everybody has to do her chores and attend to her every demand for a week. And they get a big, fat trophy, too. This year's trophy was made out of an engine someone ripped off of a 2003 Ford Expedition!"

"You mean they _stole _it?!" Nazz asked in aghast.

"Stole. Ripped off. Same song, different lyrics," Marie said nonchalantly "But get this. When they took it, the person was still driving the thing! Man, I wish I could've seen the look on his face! Anyway, I totally swept the competition this year and I have that trophy hanging on the wall, right next to 'To Kill a Mockingbird.'"

Nazz looked at her and exclaimed, "Wow! You read that? None of the kids in our entire grade has ever even _tried_ to start that book! Is it good?"

Marie looked at her and replied snidely, "You tell me, Blondie. I put that book up there because I took it from an 8th grader I clobbered when I was seven."

Nazz stared at her and replied, "Okey dokey. Uh, I just remembered, my mom told me I gotta go to the store so I can get some fruit for her smoothies. Wait here; okay, Dude?"

As she left, Nazz made sure that she stuffed her wallet deep in her pocket and that all her jewelry was hidden properly before she walked out of the house.

Marie watched the door close and, after she made sure that she wasn't going to pop back in like some Valley Girl nightmare, pulled out a small book from her pocket. She felt the glossy cover and carefully flipped it so she could just take in the scent.

Marie had always loved the wonderful, warm smell that seemed to always come from deep crevices within the pages. She had adored it since the first time her mother had opened a book, called "Oh! The Places You'll Go!", and read it to her and her sisters. Now every time she tried to read, she buried her nose in the book and took deep breaths of its papery sweetness before she even looked over the title.

Now that the ritual was complete, Marie flipped it open, turned to her favorite part of the book, and started to read.

"'Atticus stood up and walked to the end of the porch. When he completed his examination of the wisteria vine he strolled back to me.

"First of all," he said, "if you learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view....."'"


	7. Incident with a Barbell

Nazz had succeeded in turning Marie's hair and face back to normal and had insisted that the real makeover would come the day of the pageant. Double-D was satisfied with this as he dapperly made his way to the Park n' Flush trailer park the next day and approached the Kanker sisters' own bluish trailer. He reached up to knock on the hard metal door but halted when he heard strange grunting noises coming from the other side of it. Gulping, he walked to the back and took a peek at the origin of the sounds.

Marie was there, gritting her teeth and puffing as she lifted an extremely heavy looking barbell. The sweat was sliding off her forehead and her hair was rather damp.

Double-D timidly walked to her and whispered, "Marie?"

Marie turned her head to him and barely forced out, "Heya, Pumpkin!"

She put the barbell on a contraption situated on the top of the bench she was on. Double-D had no idea what it was called and wasn't going to attempt an inquiry.

Instead, he chirped, "And how are you today?"

"Fine, I guess", Marie replied "I've been pumpin' weights for an hour!"

She mischievously batted her eyelashes at him and added slyly, "Ya know, I can lift two-hundred pounds. Wanna feel my arm muscles?"

"Um, no thank you. However, I did come with a purpose. Here!" he said as he handed her a pile of books.

"What are these for?"

"They are for improving your vocal talent as well as improving your posture!" he exclaimed as he handed them to her.

However, in the process of passing them, one of the books toppled down.

"Oops!" Double-D cried "Allow me to retrieve it."

He bent down to grab it, and as he did so, his posterior bumped the barbell right off its holding. The heavy piece of equipment fell nearly on Marie's neck, and as she didn't expect it, she yelped and grasped it with both her hands to keep it from squishing her neck.

"Double-D!" she squeaked out.

Double-D, turning around, cried out, "Oh my! Marie, is there anything you wish me to do?"

"I'M HERE WITH A BARBELL ON MY NECK! HELP ME GET IT OFF!" she screeched.

"Oh, indeed! I'm sorry!"

Double-D did as she demanded and struggled to pick it up (amidst many grunts and other exclamations).

Marie, however, had merely been surprised by the incident and finally gathered her strength and hoisted the barbell back to its carrier; even while Double-D was yanking with all his might.

His arms were still grabbing onto the thing, and when she replaced it, he dragged along the ground. He was now strung above the bench and dangerously close to Marie.

The corners of his mouth drooped a little and he said softly, "Oh, I am most apologetic."

Marie, meanwhile, was trying very hard not to move and couldn't help but sweat at the fact that Double-D was within half an inch of her.

She leaned her head further back on the bench and somehow choked out, "I'm fine. No problemo."

Double-D smiled a little; an adorable, smile in which the gap in his tooth was clearly visible and his eyes glowed a little.

Marie had a nearly uncontrollable urge to hide her face in her hands like a bashful toddler.

"Ok, what's happening here?" she thought "And why am I sweating? Get a hold of yourself, Marie! Quit acting like a baby! You're a Kanker for cryin' out loud! And Kankers don't sweat because of a silly, little….sweet, smart, guy."

She mentally gasped and thought harshly, "Girl, cut it out! You're the one with the power! So what if he treats you real nice. And is within kissing range. And not running away."

Double-D was also in a flurry of emotion.

"Oh my!" he thought as he agonizingly tried to decipher them "How am going to remove myself from this embarrassing predicament? I suppose she has something amorous planned for just such a moment."

"I got absolutely nothin' planned for somethin' like this!" Marie thought frantically "How the heck do I tell him to move out of the way?"

"Perhaps I should slide my fingers to the right of this monstrous barbell. Then maybe…."

"I could kiss him. That would really scare him off. But I can't move! I feel like…."

"….I've been paralyzed to this one spot! Oh, good Lord! What am I going to do? And what is that scent that seems to smell like…."

"….a book! Oh, man, he smells so good! Kinda like a book and kinda like that mango soap I'm always askin' my mom to get! Mmmmm. It makes me think of a…."

"….Mimosa pudica! That is the odor she has! Just like a Mimosa pudica! My, she smells quite…."

"….sweet. He hasn't insulted me or told me to move it or anything. He always makes sure to…."

"….never let anyone know what she is thinking. I wonder why? I suppose it would be hard for anyone to…."

"….get out of this. I wish I could just pass out so I won't have to deal with it! It's getting to be such a pain! I hope I could…."

"….find out if she has any friends. She seems to be a strong and resilient girl, which is admirable. But it does not seem like she desires…."

"….to yell at me or nothin'. He's just being really quiet and nice. It would be nice if he…."

"….decides to be my friend. She may be a tad bit rambunctious, but I have observed that she does have certain qualities that are rather fetching. After all, Eddy is rather like that and he is my best friend."

Marie and Double-D remained in their current, uncomfortable positions shortly after their musings had ceased.

Finally, Double-D said softly,"I am sorry Marie."

Marie forced a grin and replied, "Yeah, uh, well at least you know I didn't start it this time. Hee, hee."

Double-D chuckled a little and said, "Well, I suppose I should get up."

He struggled to attempt this and let out many exclamations of, "Oof! Eeek! Urk!" as he did so.

After watching for a minute, Marie finally grabbed him under his arms and righted him.

"Oh, thank you, Marie," Double-D said softly.

Looking for the fastest way to diminish the obvious awkwardness that was building up, Marie cried out, "Well, let's get to the posturey stuff, already!"

"Oh, yes, of course," Double-D replied "But let us wait until Eddy and Ed have arrived."


	8. Croutons, Curtains, and Curtseys

Ed and Eddy did eventually make their longed-for appearance and a little more education on the feminine qualities that were desired in pageants commenced. Marie continued through these lessons in her usual saucy manner; however, she was secretly quaking about her awkward tête-à-tête with Double-D. As if to aggravate these emotions, he had the audacity to constantly correct her posture by brushing his hand under her chin (which was to remind her to keep it slightly upward) and gingerly pulling her shoulders back with his fingers (which inched along them with such gentle precision that it gave Marie chills which shivered their way up her spine and ended in uncomfortable blobs of embarrassment).

Marie, to put it in a few words, was perfectly annoyed and slightly offset by these attentions. She was firmly assured that he was doing it as some sort of insidious revenge for her past affectionate wrongdoings.

Despite this, she still wanted to melt away into a silky sheath of mist every time he laid his hands over her shoulders or under her chin.

"Twerp," she thought venomously "I'll bet he's laughin' at me. I hope he's enjoying himself. Mom was right when she said men are always out to get ya!"

Here she huffed, threw her hair back, and accidentally whipped Double-D with her tresses as she did so.

"Ouch!" He exclaimed as his face was hit with it.

Marie turned to him as he rubbed his head.

"Well, watch it!" she yelled, trying to express to him that she was a Kanker and wasn't scared of his tactics.

Double-D stared at her as she walked into her kitchen angrily. When she entered, she took a swig of water from the faucet and then spit it out when she realized it was muddy with dirt. Marie groaned and looked back at the living room where Ed was starting to play around with the items in the room.

"Look at me!" Ed cried as he wrapped a curtain around his torso and his head and stuck an anchor on his feet "I am Croutonman! Toast of the twenty-sixth planet! Your salad is mine!"

He then began to coat himself in the cushions that were sitting on the top of the Kanker sister's unkempt couch. As he buried himself, the middle of the seat split and Ed went straight through to the floor.

"Ed!" Double-D cried out "Stop that! Goodness, what will their mother say?"

Ed lifted his head up through the hole and grinned at his sock-headed chum with teeth that had found some sort of dried fish under the couch. Double-D yelped while Eddy's face crinkled and then unraveled with laughter.

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Eddy screamed "Hey, Lumpy, ya gonna waste it or what?"

"Ed, NO!" Double-D cried as the fish tail vanished within Ed's lips.

He hid his face in his hands as Ed licked his lips and exclaimed, "What's for desert, Double-D!"

"ED…! I…! YOU…!" Double-D cried "DU…! GR…! THD…!"

Marie snorted as she walked back into the room and pointed out, "You're not supposed to keep your mouth open Double-D. A bug could fly in."

Double-D glared at her as Eddy fell over and laughed hard enough to make Ed's eyebrow fly off his face and stick on a picture of a whale.

"Yeah, Sock-head! Why don't you follow your _own _rules!" Eddy yelled.

Ed happily pulled his eyebrow off the picture (taking the whale with it) and put it (whale and all) back on his face as Double-D glowered at Eddy and Marie.

"Well, since the horseplay is now over," Double-D grumbled as the two finally stopped laughing "Shall we move on to Marie's singing practice?"

He walked over to the coffee table and consulted some books on singing.

"All right, Marie, first of all you must raise your head high enough to promote good lung circulation," he exclaimed enthusiastically.

Rolling her eyes, she pointed her little nose to the sky and revealed her throat, as well as the strange bluish markings around it.

Double-D caught sight of them instantly.

"Marie, where did those bruises come from?" he asked.

She glanced at him and then said nonchalantly, "Remember? You dropped the dumbbell on my neck."

"It didn't actually touch you though. I saw it and though it was a mere centimeter's breadth away from your throat it didn't make contact."

Marie started blushing a little at this point and replied, "Well, yesterday I fell off my bed 'cause I was jumping on it so hard."

"You fell on your neck?" Eddy asked doubtfully.

"Yeah, it doesn't really hurt either. It just looks ugly, that's all."

So saying, Marie quickly lowered her head a little more and asked, "Well, what do I sing?"

Double-D replied, "Marie perhaps a little ice might help your injury. Ed please go to the kitchen and fetch some."

Marie grumbled, "I'm fine! I don't need any ice; just tell me what to sing."

However, it was too late for Ed had brought, not just ice, but the entire freezer, still plugged in but dragging a piece of the wall with it.

"ICE, ICE, ICE, ICE!" he cried out as he stopped with the whole load "I have brought ice, my well-hatted friend!"

He commenced in pouring the entirety of the freezer's contents on Marie as well as Eddy and Double-D.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD!" Eddy screamed.


	9. Armed, Blonde, and Dangerous!

Finally, the day of the pagaent came and the three Eds were now making their to the trailer park once again, this time with Nazz who was accompanying them to give Marie a makeover.

"Wow, I've never seen this place before," Nazz pointed out as she looked around at the various mobile homes "It's kinda neat I guess. It's totally got that shabby chic thing going."

"I believe, though, that the emphasis is more so put on 'shabby'", Double-D stated as he caught sight of the Kanker sister's blue trailer and May sitting in front of it eating something.

May saw them at about the same time and yelled out, "Hey, no trespassing!" she then batted her eyes and added "Even if you _are_ gorgeous hunks of men!"

"We are not trespassing," Double-D said fearfully "We are here to meet your sister, Marie. Do you know where she is?"

"She's probably sitting in our room or something" May snorted as put her goodie down "And there's no way I'm gonna share you three pieces of candy with her!"

Eddy squinted at the snack she had put on the ground.

"Why the heck are you eating rocks? Forgot to chew or something?" he laughed.

"I'm not eating them, I'm chewing on them! Mom says it helps me deal with stress," she huffed, offended.

Double-D stared at her for a moment and then began to sidle to the door.

"Right-o. Um, we are just going to go upstairs now. Have a nice day." He murmured cautiously.

"Yeah, have a nice CHEW, rock princess!" Eddy jeered as he ran ahead "Geez, it's a good thing she didn't kiss us. Her lips probably feel like gravel…OW!" he yelped as a stone pelted the side of his head.

"Sockhead!" he whined "she threw a rock at me!"

"He who mocks his fellowman should be certain that there's the absence of a weapon, Eddy" Double-D calmly replied as he climbed upstairs. Marie was sitting on her bed as they walked in her room. She grinned and began to lift her head.

"Hi hon…," She started but then saw Nazz "What's she doing here?"

Ed ran over and grabbed Marie by one of her legs.

"She will make you pretty, oh so pretty!" he shouted enthusiastically.

"Ed, inside voice," Double-D reminded as he walked over to Marie. "She has come here to improve your appearance for the pageant."

Marie pouted.

"So now I'm ugly?

"No, no! Of course not!" he cried embarrassedly "What I mean to say is that a pageant is rather important and with this consideration, you must improve your daily appearance to that of formal attire. It is comparable to dressing up for an important engagement."

Marie shrugged.

"I brought a dress for you to wear too, dude!" Nazz exclaimed excitedly.

"It better not be pink or frilly," Marie grumped.

"You're gonna wear it!" Eddy snapped "We made a deal! I don't care if it has Ed butt-prints on it!"

Ed grinned at Marie.

"You didn't.." she growled.

"Now, calm yourself Marie," Double-D exclaimed "I assure you it has nothing of the sort. That would be in bad taste after all."

He gave a large smile as he slipped behind her and said, "However, the wardrobe that has been chosen for you by Nazz will most likely be highly flattering."

Marie gave him a look and replied, "Ya mean you haven't seen it yet?"

Double-D's smile dropped and he answered as he nervously twiddled his fingers, "Well, no. But Nazz has steadily assured us that she knows what outfit and style of your hair will…"

"She gonna do my hair!" Marie interrupted as she clutched her locks in her fists. "Double-D, how do you know she's not gonna shave me bald!"

Double-D laid his hand on her shoulder and replied, "Marie you must learn to trust people more. Now, Ed, Edd and I will be back in a few hours. Please calm down."

Marie watched as the three Eds began to walk out the door even while Eddy was growling, "If she goes bald we'll have to get her a wig. Do ya think she'll look good as a red head?"

"Okay, you gotta sit down dude. I want to fix your do' " she heard Nazz say.

Marie glared at her and unwillingly made her way to the junior stylist, preparing to sacrifice her dignity and, possibly, her mane.


	10. My Fair Kanker

"Sock-Head, this is taking FOREVER!" Eddy whined as he slumped deeper in the couch.

"Now Eddy, the fruits of patience are very valuable," Double-D replied although he too was tired of sitting in Nazz's living room after having been called for Marie's unveiling.

The boys had been waiting for around half an hour while their would-be stylist had hung up makeshift curtains in front of the hallway, chose fitting music, and did countless other things and, truth be told, they were all getting restless. Ed had given up waiting altogether and was now dozing in a comfortable chair, drool dribbling from his chin.

"I don't care!" Eddy now protested hotly "We've been sitting here forever! When the heck is she gonna be done!"

Double-D rolled his eyes and began to make a sarcastic comment but was interrupted by the sound of clapping.

"All right, Dudes!" Nazz announced excitedly "This is what you've all been waiting for. The new, improved Marie Kanker!

The music and lights that had been so meticulously chosen by her began as she yanked back the curtain. A small, daintily shoed foot hesitantly poked out from the side of the curtain and was soon followed by a swish of iridescent fabric until, at long last, the Eds' pageant entry fully appeared in all her glory.

All the three boys were silenced, not only by the complete transformation of the Kanker girl but her sheer beauty, as well.

Nazz had chosen a royal blue dress that had such an opalescence quality that it looked as though someone had taken the time to weave in stars and moonbeams among the fabric. The skirt of the gown gathered just above her knees in the front and continued to lengthen towards the back until it dipped to her ankles. The dress had only one gossamer strap which cause her neck to look longer and brought out her dainty shoulders.

Marie's face in itself was also miracle, for not only had Nazz managed to remove the thick layer of bruise-colored eye shadow that she always seemed to wear, but she also applied the celestial quality of the gown to her makeup, as well. Her eyelids were now coated in a luminous deep blue and the use of mascara only made her already thick lashes even more substantial. The makeup accentuated her exotic features and after some maroon colored lipstick was applied, and a touch of blush, the overall effect was breathtaking.

Finally, Marie's one fear about the makeover, her hair, had been styled in a peek-a-boo and tossed saucily on one side which gave her a coy and alluring air.

The three boys were silent for five whole minutes as they observed their muse. Eddy's ear-piercing wolf-whistle shattered the quiet and very nearly broke everyone's eardrums.

"Whoa, what a BABE!" he hollered as put his nose right next to the bottom of Marie's leg and began to let his eyes drift upwards.

He got as far as her knee before she responded by kicking his face and snapping, "Get lost, Eddy!"

"Why, Marie!" Double-D exclaimed as a slight blush began to work its way on his face "You look absolutely lovely!"

"Wow," Ed chimed in loudly "She's a girl, Double-D. She didn't even show!"

Marie waved her fist threateningly at him before responding, "I don't look stupid or anything, right?"

"Heavens, no!" Double-D exclaimed "At this moment in time, you are the very pinnacle of feminine beauty which all strive to attain! A blossom, nay, a gem in this dark world of desp…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Sockhead!" Eddy snapped, interrupting his ode "We gotta get to school before the thing starts!"

With that, Eddy grabbed all three of them and before Double-D was able to squeak out even a semi-coherent word of appreciation to Nazz, they were on their way to the pageant.


	11. Indecent Proposals

As it turned out, Eddy's impatience to get to the school was unnecessary, for the beginning preparations of the afternoon's event were still in progress. When the contestants were finally given the chance to actually enter the gym, Double-D noticed that Marie had disappeared.

"Eddy!" he cried out frantically "Marie is missing!"

"WHAT?" Eddy's face began to turn an unusual shade of crimson "I thought you were watching her!"

"Eddy it was your responsibility as well as mine to make sure that she…"

"My feet hurt, when are we gonna go in?"

Both Eddy and Double-D turned to see Marie looking almost as she did when she left. Almost.

"Marie, I wish you would notify us when you go somewhere!" Double-D chided irritably "And where did you get that coat?"

"Some guy from the high school said I could wear it if I wanted to," She said with pleasure "I love free stuff!"

He glanced over the cheerful colors of the letterman jacket and exclaimed with anxiety, "Marie! Don't you realize what the giving of one's school memorabilia means when one is in high school!"

"Nope," she replied noncommittally "Even if the guy was really cute."

"Curse these older boys taking advantage of young innocents in this world," he murmured.

"Take that stupid jacket off," Eddy demanded "We gotta sign up before we gotta stand in line forever!"

"Whatever."

Accordingly, the jacket was dropped into Double-D's waiting arms and she sauntered over to the table where one of the judges, Kevin, was waiting. His eyes bulged when he caught sight of her and the bored look on his face was replaced with a wide smile.

"Hey, you're here for the pageant, right?" he asked as she came up to the table.

"Yep," she replied as she took up a pen and began to fill out a form.

"You're gonna totally rock in it, babe," he said with a grin.

While not being very fond of Kevin (except when he was the only boy available to torment), Marie wasn't adverse to flattery and she responded by fluttering her eyelashes.

"Ya really think so?" she asked coyly.

"Totally. It's too bad they wouldn't let the swimsuit thing fly," he added "I'd like to see you in one."

She giggled and quipped, "Cause of my eyes?"

Here Kevin's grin became wider as he replied, "Not _just _cause of your eyes but they're pretty righteous too."

"Marie! Are ya done yet? I'm turning into an old man over here!" Eddy screeched from over her shoulder.

"My whiskers have mold!" Ed exclaimed with glee, though no one particularly cared.

The shortest Ed rushed over, snatched the pen away, and began writing in the form frantically.

"Geez, what the heck is taking ya so long. I swear if we don't get there in time…"

He wasn't given a chance to finish for Marie shoved him out of the way and reclaimed the pen.

Kevin stared in shock and stammered, "Wait, you're…_Marie Kanker?_"

Eddy jumped on the table and sneered, "That's right, Kevin! And she's gonna beat the skirts off all the other girls and you're gonna be eating your words for dinner!"

Marie neatly swept him off the table and snapped, "Shut up, kid!"

Turning back to Kevin, she smiled as alluringly as she could.

"Tell me more about my eyes."


End file.
